From gun-toting Armageddon Jesus to a preordained NFL Draft, there’s a lot of Jesusy stuff you need to know about going into the new week.
So, for your convenience I’ve combined them all into one post.
First up, Jesus is a Coke guy.
How do I know?
Because that’s what he told a guy in Queensland, Australia to steal. If he preferred Pepsi, the Lord would have said so.
Next up, if you’re a football fan, you can forget about all those mock drafts. The 2014 NFL has already been decided.
By God.
Don’t believe me?
Then believe Adam Muema.
The former San Diego State running back withdrew from the NFL Scouting Combine after God told him he would be drafted by the Super Bowl champs, the Seattle Seahawks. Muema even went so far as to update his Twitter account to reflect his new team…and jersey number.
You know those annoying Facebook movies your friends can’t stop sharing? Well, apparently Jesus made one too.
Unlike your your friend’s movie, this one is actually kind of worth watching.
Buenos Aires just reopened their own version of Orlando’s Holy Land Experience – except it’s inexplicably way more tackier.
Robo-Jesus rises from the dead every 10 minutes and the park is filled with cheesy plastic statutes and it’s just too awesome and I want to go to there.
And last, but certainly not least, Family Research Council’s Executive Vice President Jerry Boykin demonstrated his small penis syndrome total lack of critical reading skills when he declared that Jesus will return to earth branding an AR-15 assault rifle.
I don’t even know what to do with that.
It’s just…wow.
Anyway, there’s probably way more ridiculous Jesus stuff out there this week, but there’s only so much ridiculousness one post can handle and Jerry Boykin already went way above and beyond the ridiculous limit with his “Jesus wants you to buy an AR-15″ jackassery.
So, until next time, this has been “This Week In Jesus.”
I hope you feel more informed now.
Or at least a little horrified entertained.