We’ve done the research for you. So, all you have to do is vote for the winner.
As promised here are the breakdowns of the matchups for American Jesus Madness.
Mark Driscoll vs. Interpretive Dance Lady
This one might seem like a no brainer. Driscoll is a man’s man. He doesn’t mess with sissy stuff like yoga. There is no way he would ever lose to a woman. But don’t be so quick to count this lady out. Not only is she an awesome dancer, but her video made it all the way to the Huffington Post! Then again, Driscoll is probably too much of a bully to lose to anybody.
Ted Haggard vs. Hookers For Jesus
This might be one of the trickiest 1st round matchups. We all know that Pastor Ted has a penchant for hookers, and possibly his own family. But these hookers loves Jesus. So, if Ted decides to take one home it might not end up the way he hopes. Then again, Ted was never a big fan of female hookers.
Terry Jones vs. Westboro Baptist
There’s nothing pretty (or redeeming) about this match up. Terry Jones wants to burn the Koran and Fred Phelps wants everybody to burn. Neither one of these people have many fans. Just know that if you do vote for Westboro Baptist we will judge you.
Stephen Colbert vs. Kirk Cameron
This is a battle of TV stars. You may be wondering “Why is Stephen Colbert in the tournament?” Here’s your answer. Also, he’s catholic and sorry to all you fundies out, but there that does count as being a Christian. There was a time when I would have gladly voted for Kirk Cameron for anything. I’ll admit it. I was a Growing Pains fan. But then Kirk hooked up with Ray Comfort and he quickly fell off my teen idol list. Just remember that if you don’t vote for Stephen Colbert it means you hate America.
John Piper vs. Mountaintop Jesus
This might be an easy win for Piper. Apparently, all he has to do is say “farewell” and you’re done. But, he’ll have to climb to the top of a mountain to get at this incarnation of Jesus. Or maybe Piper can just tweet his victory.
Ron Luce vs. YouTube Christian Rapper
We’ve got another tough 1st round battle here. Two armies collide, only 1 will survive. On one side Ron Luce has his Teen Mania army ready to destroy everyone in their path. On the other side is an army of YouTube Christian Rappers here, here, here, and here ready for their big break. Who will win? I don’t know, but either way we are the losers in the battle.
Steven Anderson vs. King James Bible
This 1st round matchup is a full on Civil War. In one corner we have the greatest fundie pastor of them all. In the other corner is the only true, uncorrupted version of the word of God. Pastor Anderson loves the KJV, so what can he do? This one all comes down to whether or not this KJV is 1611 or a newer corruption.
Jack Chick vs. Ed Young
Sometimes you get really random pairings because they were the only people left. Such is the case in this first round matchup. Jack Chick is the godfather of religious tracts. Ed Young loves 3-D. It’s old Christian tech versus new hotness. This one’s totally up to the voters.
Rob Bell vs. Tree Jesus
Did you know Rob Bell wrote a new book?? Probably not, since nobody has really said anything about it. In other news, Jesus has been popping up everywhere, including a tree. To be honest this matchup is probably a no brainer. All Rob Bell has to do is imply that there is no tree and everyone else will decide that there is no tree. Rob wins!
Pat Robertson vs. Rocking Chair Jesus
This could be a battle for the ages. What can be a tougher fight than a senile old man and a rocking chair. Throw in the fact that the senile old man is a pastor and the rocking chair has the face of Jesus on it and you’ve got a battle of epic proportians. History tells us that the rocking chair usually wins this battle, but don’t count out Pat. He may turn out to be the tournament sleeper that steals the show. Get it? Sleeper, rocking chair. That’s a top quality joke right there.
Rick Warren vs. Andy Stanley
This battle is a pure Tupac vs. Biggie, East Coast/West Coast showdown. If you’re an east coaster, go with Stanley. If you’re a west coaster, go with Warren. If you live in the middle, then just go to your church’s library and see who’s curriculum you’re using and vote accordingly.
Doug Giles vs. Christian Ventriloquist
If you don’t know who Doug Giles is then count yourself lucky. If you’ve never had to sit through this rapping Christian ventriloquist then count yourself equally blessed. The smart money here is on Giles to whip the ventriloquist out of the tournament because that’s what Jesus would do.
Joel Osteen vs. Pet Rock Jesus
It’s the smiling preacher versus a rock that supposedly looks like Jesus and Mary. Osteen is the heavy favorite here. After all what’s not to love about Joel? I would say everything. Then again, if you vote for Joel God will make you rich.
Ken Ham vs. Ray Comfort
This may just be the toughest 1st round matchup to call. You’ve got Creation Museum founder Ken Ham going against none other than the banana man himself Ray Comfort. This one will definitely come down to the wire, but Ham may just pull through with his epic Noah’s ark theme park.
Third Eagle vs. John Hagee
Things don’t get any easier with this matchup. We’ve got two titanic self proclaimed experts on end time prophecy going head to head. If John Hagee seems like the favorite here, then it’s only because you don’t know enough about the Third Eagle of the Apocalypse. Watch his videos, especially the music videos, and then decide who the real co-prophet of the end times is!
Buddy Jesus vs. May 21, 2011
This may seem like a random pairing, an action figure against a prophesied date for the second coming, but that’s only because it is. Buddy Jesus
is pretty awesome, but does is have the cahones to run a national campaign declaring the exact date for the second coming of Jesus. This one’s all on you.
So there you have it! Breakdowns of all the 1st round matchups. In the end though, it’s up to YOU to vote on the winner. Stay tuned for a schedule of match up and voting times.