Everybody has their list of New Year’s resolutions meant to inspire you to do great things in the days to come. Most of them are pretty much the same: lose weight, get a better job, become a better person, blah blah blah.
You know the drill.
But let’s be honest. You’re not gonna keep any of those resolutions. Sure, you’ll start them and give them the old college try…until sometime in February when you remember why you weren’t doing those things in the first place: because you don’t have the time, because they’re too hard, or because they’re just boring.
At least that’s the case for me.
So, this year I’ve come up with a list of New Year’s resolutions I think I can actually keep. I admit they probably won’t inspire me to do great things in the coming months, but you know what they will give me?
And that counts for something, right? Maybe? Please say yes…
Anyway, here’s my list of 10 New Year’s Resolutions I’m pretty sure I can keep. If you’ve got any of your own that you would add to list, share them in the comments.
1. Wait until after the new year starts to come up with a list of resolutions
Check and mate.
2. Decide to lose weight…but never actually follow through on that
I feel pretty confident in my ability to keep this resolution. I mean, I can’t even begin to count how many times I thought “I need to lose weight” last year and never did anything about it. This one should be a cinch.
3. Move to a completely different part of the country
Ok, here’s one that sounds totally legitimate and exciting, right? Well, it is, but technically it’s also kinda sorta cheating since my wife already has a job lined up in Nashville starting in August. But hey, that’s another resolution I already know I’m definitely going to keep! I’m so awesome at this.
4. Watch more TV
This one is going to take some work. I already watch a fair amount of television. Some might even call it an “unhealthy” amount of TV. I certainly would not. I mean there are sooo many shows and movies out there I haven’t even seen yet. And if I don’t watch them, who will?? I mean I can’t just leave them stranded and alone out there, unwatched on Netflix. That’s cruel and unusual punishment and that’s illegal in the country because the Constitution!! So, I must watch more TV this year. It’s my patriotic duty.
5. Check Facebook at least 20 times a day
According to one study, the average person checks Facebook 14 times a day on their smartphone. But I don’t want to settle for just average. I want to be better than that! So, I’m going to aim higher. 20 times a day seems totally attainable, right? I’ve just got to remind myself that as unrealistic and ridiculous as it is to think something life changing has happened on Facebook since I last checked it 5 minutes ago, you never know. Speaking of which, I better go check Facebook….
6. Eat more bacon
Would you believe there were entire weeks last year that went by without me eating a single piece of bacon? I know, me neither. It’s embarrassing and I’m ashamed. I can do better this year. I must do better.
7. Never start running
Lots of people I know either already run regularly or make it their New Year’s resolution to start running. Which is weird, because I’m pretty sure they all own cars. And why would you run somewhere when you could get there waayyy faster by driving? So, in honor of common sense, I promise to never start running this year…unless I’m being chased by bears.
8. Stress out about the new iPhone
Yeah, I know. Apple just hasn’t even announced a new iPhone and probably won’t for several months, but we all know it’s coming and there’s no time like the present to start stressing about it. What features it will have? Will I be eligible for an upgrade when it’s released?? And most importantly, will I have enough money to buy it the second it comes out???
9. Lose more hair
Technically this is a resolution I’ve been keeping since college whether I wanted to or not. But I feel like this year might be the year I go full Bruce Willis. Yippie ki yay mother…well, you know the rest.
10. Ensure the future of freedom, democracy, and human decency in the United States
“Whoa whoa whoa”, you’re saying. “Eating more bacon is going to be hard enough. How could you possible keep this resolution?!” Simple, my friend. By voting for anyone other than Donald Trump in November.